Parenting Boys: What Boys Need From Moms

Raising Boys

"Little boys leave smudges on your heart" ~ Art Moms

Moms of Boys

Most moms would do anything to enhance their child’s quality of life. Even with this great level of devotion, many moms of boys admit raising boys is both a joy and a challenge. As a mom of three boys, I have learned - boys love to make messes, run, climb, swing, make loud noises, tease siblings, laugh, and challenge rules. But what do boys really need from moms? Research is now proving, what most of us already know, that boys need moms in order to grow into healthy, well-adjusted men.

According to William Pollack, Ph.D., “Far from making boys weaker, the love of a mother can and does actually make boys stronger, emotionally, and psychologically. Far from making boys dependent, the base of safety a loving mother can create...provides a boy with the courage to explore the outside world. But most important, far from making a boy act in ‘girl-like’ ways, a loving mother actually plays an integral role in helping a boy develop his masculinity.”

New brain imaging research shows how important it is that moms of boys regularly hug, hold, and nurture their boys. This research has found that the amount of nurturing a child receives from his or her mother early in life may lead to a larger hippocampus (the area of the brain responsible for handling stress and building memory). Dr. Joan Luby, lead researcher of this study and psychiatrist at the Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis said, “We can now say with confidence that the psychosocial environment has a material impact on the way the human brain develops.”

Moms of boys teach their sons the first lessons they learn about love, support, comfort, and trust. The bond boys have with their mothers can help them to be more successful in many different areas of life.

Quotes About Boys You Might Like

"Little boys don’t take baths, they just dust off." ~Art Moms

“What a [boy] thinks of himself, that is which determines, or rather, indicates, his fate.” Henry David Thoreau

“If a [boy] does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music that he hears, however measured or far away.” Henry David Thoreau

“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable” Lane Olinghouse

"Boys are God’s way of telling you your house is too clean." Art Moms

“Men are what their mothers made them” Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Of all the animals the boys is the most unmanageable" Plato

“One of the best things in the world to be is a boy; it requires no experience, but needs some practice to be a good one” Charles Dudley Warner

These quotes can be found at Quotes About Boys, ThinkExist.com,BrainyQuote. and Art Moms

Parenting Books You Might Like

The Purpose of Boys: Helping Our Sons Find Meaning, Significance, and Direction in Their Lives

Amazon Price: $9.76
List Price: $17.95

Raising Boys: 17 Things a Boy Needs from a Mom

Research studies, books, and interviews by child-parent attachment experts, Maccoby and Martin, psychiatrist Dr. Joan Luby, author Dr. William Pollack, leading neuropsychology researcher Dr. Allan Schore, author/therapist Michael Gurian, and author/therapist Dr. Townsend, describe important things a boy needs from his mom in the following ways:

1. Help him empathize with others. Ellen Galinsky, President and Co-Founder of Families and Work Institute (FWI), says that children who can engage in perspective taking, or seeing “eye to eye” in relationships, not only appreciate their own experiences but the experiences of others. The researchers say that it is important that a boy has a mom who will help him understand how others feel. Meaning that when a 2-year old boy runs up to his brother and hits him on the back he needs his mom to help him see how his behavior impacted his brother

2. Offer refuge. A boy needs his mom to offer him a place of safe refuge. Margaret Malher’s theory of separation-individuation, describes rapproachment (occurring between 15-24 months of age) as a period of time when boys start to move away from their mothers. In this stage of life, a toddler begins to explore his surroundings, away from his mother or primary caregiver. During this time, a boy is filled with conflicting feeling because he wants to explore this exciting new world but he also wants to know that he can safely return to his mother when he needs to be comforted. Psychologists Erich Fromm described the perplexity of this relationship as, “The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother’s side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent.”

3. Know when to let go. A boy needs a mom who understands her role as his mother will change as he grows and matures. It is important for a mom to give her son more independence based on their growing needs. At 18 months, when a son starts to move away from his mom to identify more with his father or other men, he needs a mom who is patient and understanding. Throughout a son’s life, he will experience times where he grows closer to his mother and times when he tends to push her away. Dr. Townsend, psychologist and family counselor, says some moms interpret their son's backing away from them as abandonment and have difficulty letting him go. He says that it is especially important to a boy that his mother does not see this normal desire to move away from her as rejecting.

4. Show affection. Boys need moms who hug, cuddle, hold, and touch them. Research demonstrates that when a baby boy reaches 6 months of age, mothers talk to and touch their boys less often than they talk to and touch their girls. According to Dr. Allan Schore, professor in the department of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences at UCLA School of Medicine, oxytocin, a bonding hormone, increases during between mother and child nurturing interactions. As oxytocin levels increase, cortisol (stress hormone) levels decrease. Additionally, stress hormones decrease in boys when their mothers hug, rock, and comfort them. Dr. Greg Smalley, president of the Smalley Relationship Center, says “A mother’s gentle nature helps a boy become more rounded and balanced. A mom encourages the softer side of love.”

5. Recognize gender differences in brain development. Technologies like, PET and MRI scans have allowed scientist to look at how children's brains function during learning. The results have consistently found instructional and functional differences between the way boys and girls learn. The male brain, according to neurologists, needs time to “renew, recharge, and reorient itself between tasks by moving to what Dr. Ruben Gur has called a ‘rest state." Because of this, it is important that a mom of a boy appreciates the uniqueness of the male brain and how their brains need time to “recharge.” A mom can do this by encouraging her son to get outside, listen to music, read, exercise, draw, or just take a time out.

6. Understand his need for movement. A boy brain's responds to “spatial-mechanical play,” meaning he learns better when he can move objects through space or has large areas to explore. This might be why you see little boys pretending their hands are airplanes flying through the air or little boys having a difficult time staying still during reading time. When my first born son was 2-years-old, I remember taking him to story time at the local library and feeling surprised when I saw him run around the room as the librarian read the books. I looked around and observed all the little girls, and one boy, sitting quietly listening to the stories. I was relieved when I came across the parenting book, “The Mind of Boys”and read how my little boy's response to story time was typical of most boys. Now as a mother of 3 boys, I expect my boys to move around, fidget, and jump up and down when I read them book because their brains are wired to learn through movement.

More Tips on Raising Sons

7. Teach him about emotions. It is very helpful for a mom of a boy to encourage her son to use all of his emotions. Society gives a clear message to boys that they should not cry or feel scared. Teaching boys that they have to be tough by cutting off all emotions except anger, teaches them to repress their true feelings. It is the repressing of emotions that contributes to boys acting out. A boy needs his mom to help him learn to recognize, respond to, and express a range of emotions by showing him how to recognize and read verbal and nonverbal communication signals.

8. Limit screen time. Dr. Dimitri Christakis, at Children’s Hospital and Regional Medical Center in Seattle, has found that watching scenes moving on a flat screen can negatively impact the learning brain. He discovered that “for every hour of television watched per day, the incidence of ADD and ADHD increased by 10 percent.” Dr. Daniel Amen, CEO at the Amen Clinics, discovered that passive stimulants like computers and TV perform the attention work for brain, resulting in a “hyperstimulated” and “physically passive” brain. According to Dr. Amen, the TV or computer does half of the work for the child’s brain, resulting in an underdeveloped brain. New York Times bestselling author, Michael Gurian, describes how screen time is especially worse for boys because it reduces a boy's level of activity; thus, reducing the number of opportunities for brain growth that occurs with movement. When a mom limits a boy's screen time and encourages him to play outside in nature she helps support her son's brain growth and development.

9. Help him with transitions and communication. According to Micheal Gurian, boys hear better out of their right ear. He says a mom can help improve listening skills in their sons by whispering a phrase into their right ear and asking them to repeat the phrase. In addition, the in the book "The Mind of Boys," Gurian said many boys are expected to engage in eye contact that they feel uncomfortable maintaining experience a release of cortisol in the brain. Circulating cortisol throughout the brain makes it more difficult for the child to concentrate or complete the task. In addition, many boys need longer time to transition between tasks, than girls. This means a son may need his mom to help him prepare for transitions between activities.

10. Engage in active play. Charades, monopoly, art, sports, cooking, roughhousing, digging for worms, climbing, swinging, exploring, or collecting rocks are some of the many activities sons enjoy sharing with their mothers. Society rarely questions close relationships between mothers and daughters; however, close relationships between mothers and sons are often characterized as beinginappropriate. But when a mom steps out of her comfort zone to connect with her son she is teaching him the importance of building intimacy and connection with others.

11. Teach socialization. Child development researchers Maccoby and Martin (1983), have discovered that nurturing behaviors by parents are key factors that support the development of children’s social competence. Boys, on average, have lower serotonin and oxytocin levels than girls. Although boys are impacted by men and women, mothers still remain the primary socialization role-models of the majority of young boys.

12. Consistently sets limits. An analysis of 69 research studies, with approximately 6,000 children, found a correlation between attachment style in the first years of life and school-age behavior problems in boys. In this study, boys who had an insecure relationship with their parents engaged in more acting out behaviors. According to Dr. Townsend, author of the parenting book “Boundaries with Kids”, it is important for boys to see their mother’s strength. He said this is important because, “Sometimes a mother is afraid to show her power because she doesn’t want to hurt her son’s feelings or wound his self-esteem. A mother shouldn’t be cruel, but a strict and loving mother will produce a boy who is not mean and self-centered.” Mothers of boys who are strong and loving refuse to allow their sons to treat others with disrespect.

13. Demonstrate self-control. A boy needs a mom who can teach him how to control his impulses. Teaching boys different strategies for remembering tasks, listening to others, and controlling their urges and impulses helps a boy developself-control.

14. Recognize his uniqueness. A boy needs a mom like Pauline Einstein, Albert Einstein’s mother, who recognized her son's unique qualities. When Albert was young it was reported that his teacher told Pauline that Albert was “mentally slow, unsociable, and adrift in his foolish dreams”. Albert's teacher did not recognize his unique talents; although, his mother did. A generation of strong men begins with moms who believe in the unique abilities of their sons.

15. Teach foresight. Because many young boys live in the moment they have a hard time thinking ahead. Moms can teach their sons to play games like Chess, which help boys learn to anticipate the opponent’s next move and problem solve their way out of complex situations. In addition, moms of younger boys can help their sons learn to think ahead by creating rhymes, songs, or visual lists.

16. Create responsibility. According to Dr. Townsend, family psychologist, “Moms need to encourage their sons to take initiative, to have responsibility”. Because most boys will not assume more responsibility at home, without a nudge from their mothers, it is important that a mom teaches her son how to be a responsible member of the family. Boys need to learn how to clean and organize their rooms, manage their school work, and take responsibility for their own poor choices. Research has confirmed that boys given household duties have an increased level of self-esteem and competence.

17. Enjoy his boyness. Michael Gurian, wrote another book called “The Wonder of Boys" and in an interview with Newsweek magazine (1998) he said, “If Huck Finn or Tom Sawyer were alive today we would say they had ADD or a conduct disorder. They [boys] are who they are, and we need to love them for who they are. Let’s not try to rewire them.” A mom, who respects her son's energy level, creativity, sensitivity, unique learning style, need for movement, and special sense of wonder, teaches her son to enjoy being a boy.

For a mom, raising boys is both a challenge and an opportunity to obtain a special glimpse of the world from a boy's point of view.

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This article is written by Kelley Ward, Ph.D., RN, C and is copyright protected. No part of this article can be used without permission from the author.

About the Author

Kelley Ward, PhD, RN, C is a freelance online author and writer for Elsevier Medical Publishing. She has been a registered nurse for over 16 years and holds a doctorate degree in child development and family relations. She writes about parenting, health, living with diabetes, and gluten-free living. For more articles or information about the author Kelley Ward, PhD, RN, C please visit here.

(source: http://kelleyward.hubpages.com/hub/Parenting-Boys-What-Boys-Need-From-Moms)